Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
