Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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