nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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