Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want to make out with him forever
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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