I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
