she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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