Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
