its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
