just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
