when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
