Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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