I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
