I accidentally burped into my bong.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
