I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
