I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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