the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
