totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
