note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
