dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
