the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
