I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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