I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
