Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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