We named our party play list daddy issues
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
