he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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