I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
