She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have fence marks all over my body
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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