Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
