i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
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Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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