Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
