when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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