bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
