forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
