It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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