I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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