We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
