I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
are you so shy because you have an std?
even my farts smell like vagina
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
