So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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