One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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