You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
