I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
