I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
