if i can run in heels then i can drive
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
