I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
