if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
