Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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