this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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