I want to have your abortion
farters have to be the big spoon...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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