U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He has the fingertips of a God
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