I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!