there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
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He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.