I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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