...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
