She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
