Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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