if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
