Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
