So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
