my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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