Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
