he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
