One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Randomize
