I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
