nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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