Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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