Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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